Future, anxiety and first time

Result are up and I didn't get in to university.
Never feel like such a failure. Everyone got in. Everyone is so happy. Moving on and I'm stuck. 
I feel like shit for feeling like shit. 
Because I have the perfect boyfriend that has been so fucking supportive. 
But I just can't stop feeling like this.
And then I think even if I get in (I have the second phase to try to get in) I will be all alone. I can't breathe just thinking about it! 
Worst it's getting to me because of everything! I got nervous just because he told me he was spending the night at his friend's house! C'mon! I felt like crying just because of that! It's not fucking normal!
And I just feel stupid and worthless and a fucking waste! 
He is just so perfect! 
Had our first time today! It was so perfect! Fun and hot and perfect! Everything I hoped for and more. 
And he doesn't deserve this! Not someone that is crying the night they first did it. He deserves better. So much better. Someone who is smart enough to get into fucking university and doesn't freak out just because she won't talk to him for a few hours or because of being alone in university! 
He makes so fucking happy. Happier that I have been in a while. At the same time never felt like such a loser 

Tired and too much in love

I'm exhausted. Mentally. I just want to stop thinking. 
But I can't 
Because I worry
Because I feel the need to analyse every single thing
Because I'm still stupid enough to care about what he does or does not
Because I keep telling him "it the last time. promise me it's the last time" 
Because it never is the last time
Because I keep waiting and waiting and waiting
Because it never comes (not in the last couple of the. Let give the guy some [not much] credit) 
Because Saturday it's still replaying in my head
Because I'm just an idiot some times. 

But I love him you know? 
I will always worry
I will always analyse stuff
I will always care about what he does and does not
I will always make him promise me the same thing
I will always let him break the promise 
I will always wait for him
I will always hope he comes (pan intended)
I will always replay sad event in my head 
And we are both idiots so what's the harm?  

"Those who don't know why they love are the ones who truly know how to love" 
 -Paulo Coelho