Up and Downs

For every sad day is a happy day. That's the motto now. Don't go too down on sad days, don't get too high no happy days. Try balance.
I keep think that. 
Maybe one day it will work.

I just realised that you change my moods completely. Not sure if it's good or bad. Probably a little bit of both. You shouldn't define the way I feel about everything in the world. It's cute that just talking to you makes my day so much better. 

I'm in a good mood right now. Because you're talking to me. You're being all cute and perfect. It sucks cuz I know if that wasn't the case I would feel like shit. It's not fair. Not to me nor for you. But that's my life now. 3 months and 3 weeks came to this. I'm so fucking attached. 

But I'll try to keep the good mood without being totally because of you. Being happy on my own. Because one day you might change your mind and stop being around. What will I do if that day comes? How will I move on from someone who already mean the entire universe? 

Finding self-confidence to be happy without forgetting or ignoring all the demons and insecurities that make me human.

It's plain to see

That baby you're beautiful and it's nothing wrong with

It's me, I'm a freak

But thanks for lovin' me 'cause you're doing it perfectly

From fear to small wins

I over think every word. Every move. Every joke. Every emotion. Late at night it's all I can do.
I fear that I will fail you. That I'll make you mad. That I'll make you uncomfortable and you just want to leave. That I'll bored you to dead. That you will break up with me. 

Maybe you feel the same. Maybe you don't. Maybe you just control it better than I do. 
So I stress and make a mess out of myself. You keep it under control and stay with your friends instead of talking to me.That just shows what a better person you are. More confident. Less self-conscious. 
Maybe with time I will get there. I want to be good. For you. For me. Just like you want to quit smoking for me and for you. 

It took me very piece of control not to cry the other day. You probably notice. You probably didn't. But I didn't cry. Not at the time. Not when I got home. Not late at night. I hold myself up. I told myself I could fix it without freaking out. I felt the fear and I didn't went down with it. That's a win. A small one because I still felt like complete shit for a long time.  

I realised that I could do it even when fear is winning. I realised it can be a tie between me and fear. I can feel scared out of my mind and still accomplish small wins
I thought I was gonna be happy this summer. Apparently not.  

Dealing with insecurity

Never realised how fragile I was until now.
Well I kind of did. But now I have to deal with it.
'Cause you deserve someone who believes in herself. 
That's not me.
Not now anyway.
And not even telling you all my stories will make you understand.

I don't like complaining when you do something I don't like because what if that is the thing that drives you away? 
I don't like telling you when I'm sad because I don't want to keep bother you with... well.. me. 
I don't like sharing some stuff because it's one more piece you get of me. 
I don't like telling you I feel self-conscious because what if you think... better... what if you realise I go nuts for almost nothing and that I'm just a basket case you don't want to deal with?
I can't tell how oven I think you don't care about me. How oven I think I'm more committed than you and that you are getting tired of it.. of me.  

But I'm trying. I really am. Sharing little pieces of writing that I did (crying) at 3 am is such a big step! You're not the first that I wrote to or about. You're not the first I told about those kind of letters. But none of them got a chance to read it. And they asked. The same amount (if not more) of begging that you did. 

I'm sorry. 
I'm sorry if I ask for to much attention. It gets to my nerves too. 
I'm sorry if sometimes it seems like I don't believe in you or us or whatever. It's just me I don't believe. 

I'll keep trying. 
Trying to think positive.
Trying to believe in myself. 
Trying to not over think every single thing.