I over think every word. Every move. Every joke. Every emotion. Late at night it's all I can do.
I fear that I will fail you. That I'll make you mad. That I'll make you uncomfortable and you just want to leave. That I'll bored you to dead. That you will break up with me.
Maybe you feel the same. Maybe you don't. Maybe you just control it better than I do.
So I stress and make a mess out of myself. You keep it under control and stay with your friends instead of talking to me.That just shows what a better person you are. More confident. Less self-conscious.
Maybe with time I will get there. I want to be good. For you. For me. Just like you want to quit smoking for me and for you.
It took me very piece of control not to cry the other day. You probably notice. You probably didn't. But I didn't cry. Not at the time. Not when I got home. Not late at night. I hold myself up. I told myself I could fix it without freaking out. I felt the fear and I didn't went down with it. That's a win. A small one because I still felt like complete shit for a long time.
I realised that I could do it even when fear is winning. I realised it can be a tie between me and fear. I can feel scared out of my mind and still accomplish small wins