Pills, scares and effort

Not much has change since last time. I'm still tired.
Still feeling all over the place about everything.
My doctor told me to take some pills at night to "calm me down" but so far nothing...

Also me and the boyfriend got proper scared last week during sex.. well after.. but yeah. I'm still scared. Special 'cause I can tell that my body hasn't recovered from it... Like from my boobs (that are bigger and over sensitive!) to my period (my flow is just too low) Plus I'm now on the pill
And maybe my fatigue is about this ( ahah I wish)

The problem is still the same. It's like all I said means nothing! Always asking what's wrong, always answering I don't like to feel ignored, always get ignored anyway.
I didn't try to keep the conversation going yesterday and you know what happen? We barely talked! And then he asked why... WHY?! REALLY?! YOU DIDN'T NOTICE YOU STOPPED REPLYING?! For course not.. I'm not one of his friends and I'm not the damn game, why rush and try to reply as soon as possible? It's just your girlfriend why would you make an effort?
And today was more of the same... Only this time he is actually with his friends so he's all happy not even thinking about me.. "fck her.. I'm with the boys now" because is really hard to text you know?! It makes you miss like 1 minute of the conversation.. like wow!
Always feeling like number 2

And I have barely slept this last few night.. Waiting for him to go to bed and always getting up so fcking early... Can't pass the "meh I'm shit" mood all day and night.

" I hate when after a long period of a progression, one night everything just kinda crumbles in you a little bit with the thought of something that meant a lot and still does and you feel really vulnerable again " 

Future, anxiety and first time

Result are up and I didn't get in to university.
Never feel like such a failure. Everyone got in. Everyone is so happy. Moving on and I'm stuck. 
I feel like shit for feeling like shit. 
Because I have the perfect boyfriend that has been so fucking supportive. 
But I just can't stop feeling like this.
And then I think even if I get in (I have the second phase to try to get in) I will be all alone. I can't breathe just thinking about it! 
Worst it's getting to me because of everything! I got nervous just because he told me he was spending the night at his friend's house! C'mon! I felt like crying just because of that! It's not fucking normal!
And I just feel stupid and worthless and a fucking waste! 
He is just so perfect! 
Had our first time today! It was so perfect! Fun and hot and perfect! Everything I hoped for and more. 
And he doesn't deserve this! Not someone that is crying the night they first did it. He deserves better. So much better. Someone who is smart enough to get into fucking university and doesn't freak out just because she won't talk to him for a few hours or because of being alone in university! 
He makes so fucking happy. Happier that I have been in a while. At the same time never felt like such a loser 

Tired and too much in love

I'm exhausted. Mentally. I just want to stop thinking. 

But I can't 

Because I worry

Because I feel the need to analyse every single thing

Because I'm still stupid enough to care about what he does or does not

Because I keep telling him "it the last time. promise me it's the last time" 

Because it never is the last time

Because I keep waiting and waiting and waiting

Because it never comes (not in the last couple of the. Let give the guy some [not much] credit) 

Because Saturday it's still replaying in my head

Because I'm just an idiot some times. 

But I love him you know? 

I will always worry

I will always analyse stuff

I will always care about what he does and does not

I will always make him promise me the same thing

I will always let him break the promise 

I will always wait for him

I will always hope he comes (pan intended)

I will always replay sad event in my head 

And we are both idiots so what's the harm?  

"Those who don't know why they love are the ones who truly know how to love" 

 -Paulo Coelho 

Communication and sharing

I cried in front of him for the first time yesterday. I hated looking so fucking vulnerable. Felt quite stupid as well. I wasn't even aware where it came from! 

Maybe it was the shock of  knowing his best friend knows stuff from my past. I totally understand why he needed her help and whatever but like shit! I didn't want to tell him in the first place! All I could think about that night I told him was "well it was fun.. now he's gonna break up with me". And now one of the most important people to him knows. I felt kind of shitty and judged. Pressure of having to be perfect felt on me like hundreds of bricks. 

Maybe it's the fact I know he liked the girl once upon a time. So I'm jealous of her... So really stupid! She helped a lot in the all process of us being a couple. She has a boyfriend (kinda) for crying out loud! Still jealous. I think is the fact he respects her so much. He was upset with me 'cause I told him I would tell her that he still smokes. I realise that I should be happy with the fact he is 100% honest with me about that particular matter (and all the rest but that's not the point) he was just really upset with me because of her (in a way but not really.. I'm sure you got the idea) And she is really pretty. Like smocking hot! I would totally have a thing for her if I was a lesbian. How can I compete with that?! 

So yeah.. Maybe it was that. 

Plus all the drama going on at home lately. I wasn't in my best shape to begin with.

And what made me break down crying was the fact he was just staring at me. I just couldn't handle it having him looking at me with a serious and concern stare. A different kind of pressure.

I just can't deal with pressure that well. 

And I hate keep thinking on what caused all the outburst but he wanted to know. How exactly was I supposed to think all this over and tell him?!

"Oh you know... I get a little jealous of your bestie and the fact you share just a personal thing instead of talking to me about it really got under my skin?"  

Ah right! 'Cause I didn't even know that the subject still was a sensible point to him! "I'm over that really" or "No seriously I'm okay with that now!" Well not that okay if he needed to share those fucking things!

And I should just say what's upsetting me when he never does?! Worst, I kept asking if he was okay. Apologizing very time I mention it accidentally and every single time he told me it was okay. Like after the first week or so he was just "no I'm fine" but if she told him to "sort that out once it for all" then he lied.

Maybe that's what really got to me. It's so rare having him telling me why he's upset or mad and actually have him talking about it. She gets to know that stuff and I... Not gonna say I never do but it's so rare. 

He says he is here to help but does he realise I'm here as well? That I want to know every thing about him and help with all the things that put him in a bad mood?

Fucking weird and incredible situations

Meeting someone's parents is always so nerve wrecking.

So many "what if"s 

Specially when you're a shy, timid person. 

But it went okay. Good. Great even. Funny.

And weird. 

Never been introduce as someone's girlfriend. It's weird. 

Being someone's girlfriend IS WEIRD. 

Don't get me wrong is amazing. Never been so fucking happy. Never been this in love with someone before. Never felt so loved before. It's an incredible feeling. 

Yet weird. It's me. There are so many kinks and too many manias and mood swigs and insecurities and a lot of bullshit that not everyone has the patience to deal with. But he does so yey him! 

Moving on!

There's a family (okay other family, god bless mine! 18 years going strong) that enjoy... me? ... my presence? Not my sense of humour that's for sure! I was making fun of and beating their son/brother all day long (it's funny but well his family may not agree with me on this one) (but I hope they do 'cause is so damn funny) 

Now for the naughty part... 

I think (I really hope so) that he understands how important it's for me that he is just as satisfied sexually as I'm. It's just unfair that I get to go home after every date feeling so fucking good and he doesn't, not in the same amount and not in the same way. Also is a fucking stab in the ego. 

It has change, however, is this last two date. inside doors playing a key factor for this. 

It was amazing. Like knowing that he's enjoying, well, me just as I'm enjoying him. Made me feel pretty good about myself. 

Also not sure how am I suppose to wait two months for IT! It's all I can think about late at night. How is gonna be, amazing but all awkward and funny just like us. All nerves and expectations and insecurities. But above all how fucking hot it will be!