Communication and sharing

I cried in front of him for the first time yesterday. I hated looking so fucking vulnerable. Felt quite stupid as well. I wasn't even aware where it came from! 

Maybe it was the shock of  knowing his best friend knows stuff from my past. I totally understand why he needed her help and whatever but like shit! I didn't want to tell him in the first place! All I could think about that night I told him was "well it was fun.. now he's gonna break up with me". And now one of the most important people to him knows. I felt kind of shitty and judged. Pressure of having to be perfect felt on me like hundreds of bricks. 

Maybe it's the fact I know he liked the girl once upon a time. So I'm jealous of her... So really stupid! She helped a lot in the all process of us being a couple. She has a boyfriend (kinda) for crying out loud! Still jealous. I think is the fact he respects her so much. He was upset with me 'cause I told him I would tell her that he still smokes. I realise that I should be happy with the fact he is 100% honest with me about that particular matter (and all the rest but that's not the point) he was just really upset with me because of her (in a way but not really.. I'm sure you got the idea) And she is really pretty. Like smocking hot! I would totally have a thing for her if I was a lesbian. How can I compete with that?! 

So yeah.. Maybe it was that. 

Plus all the drama going on at home lately. I wasn't in my best shape to begin with.

And what made me break down crying was the fact he was just staring at me. I just couldn't handle it having him looking at me with a serious and concern stare. A different kind of pressure.

I just can't deal with pressure that well. 

And I hate keep thinking on what caused all the outburst but he wanted to know. How exactly was I supposed to think all this over and tell him?!

"Oh you know... I get a little jealous of your bestie and the fact you share just a personal thing instead of talking to me about it really got under my skin?"  

Ah right! 'Cause I didn't even know that the subject still was a sensible point to him! "I'm over that really" or "No seriously I'm okay with that now!" Well not that okay if he needed to share those fucking things!

And I should just say what's upsetting me when he never does?! Worst, I kept asking if he was okay. Apologizing very time I mention it accidentally and every single time he told me it was okay. Like after the first week or so he was just "no I'm fine" but if she told him to "sort that out once it for all" then he lied.

Maybe that's what really got to me. It's so rare having him telling me why he's upset or mad and actually have him talking about it. She gets to know that stuff and I... Not gonna say I never do but it's so rare. 

He says he is here to help but does he realise I'm here as well? That I want to know every thing about him and help with all the things that put him in a bad mood?

Fucking weird and incredible situations

Meeting someone's parents is always so nerve wrecking.

So many "what if"s 

Specially when you're a shy, timid person. 

But it went okay. Good. Great even. Funny.

And weird. 

Never been introduce as someone's girlfriend. It's weird. 

Being someone's girlfriend IS WEIRD. 

Don't get me wrong is amazing. Never been so fucking happy. Never been this in love with someone before. Never felt so loved before. It's an incredible feeling. 

Yet weird. It's me. There are so many kinks and too many manias and mood swigs and insecurities and a lot of bullshit that not everyone has the patience to deal with. But he does so yey him! 

Moving on!

There's a family (okay other family, god bless mine! 18 years going strong) that enjoy... me? ... my presence? Not my sense of humour that's for sure! I was making fun of and beating their son/brother all day long (it's funny but well his family may not agree with me on this one) (but I hope they do 'cause is so damn funny) 

Now for the naughty part... 

I think (I really hope so) that he understands how important it's for me that he is just as satisfied sexually as I'm. It's just unfair that I get to go home after every date feeling so fucking good and he doesn't, not in the same amount and not in the same way. Also is a fucking stab in the ego. 

It has change, however, is this last two date. inside doors playing a key factor for this. 

It was amazing. Like knowing that he's enjoying, well, me just as I'm enjoying him. Made me feel pretty good about myself. 

Also not sure how am I suppose to wait two months for IT! It's all I can think about late at night. How is gonna be, amazing but all awkward and funny just like us. All nerves and expectations and insecurities. But above all how fucking hot it will be!   

Fears in a relationship

As the relationship grows new things start to make their way into to your life. Sexual stuff as never been a taboo in my case but has proven to be something that gets me questioning a lot. 

Last time I try to please someone in that way was 3/4 years ago. Way younger, way too many hormones, way easier. 

Now is so more complicated. Or has been. 

I'm aware that self-control kicks in many occasions but what about the other times? Surroundings? Probably. But again that only explain part.

The person trying to please the other is a major factor. And that person was me. 

My knowledge for this type of stuff is almost zero when it comes to making him feel good yet so was his knowledge and daaammn if the boy can't make you happy easily. 

It's just me. Am I not good enough? Sexy enough? Sexual attractive enough? Yeah... Probably not enough. 

That's my fear. If this relationship is supposed to be a long term kind of thing then it will become a problem. 

Learning it's easy and fun. But will he think that teaching me, or whatever, will be fun and, well, worth it?

Up and Downs

For every sad day is a happy day. That's the motto now. Don't go too down on sad days, don't get too high no happy days. Try balance.

I keep think that. 

Maybe one day it will work.

I just realised that you change my moods completely. Not sure if it's good or bad. Probably a little bit of both. You shouldn't define the way I feel about everything in the world. It's cute that just talking to you makes my day so much better. 

I'm in a good mood right now. Because you're talking to me. You're being all cute and perfect. It sucks cuz I know if that wasn't the case I would feel like shit. It's not fair. Not to me nor for you. But that's my life now. 3 months and 3 weeks came to this. I'm so fucking attached. 

But I'll try to keep the good mood without being totally because of you. Being happy on my own. Because one day you might change your mind and stop being around. What will I do if that day comes? How will I move on from someone who already mean the entire universe? 

Finding self-confidence to be happy without forgetting or ignoring all the demons and insecurities that make me human.

It's plain to see

That baby you're beautiful and it's nothing wrong with
you

It's me, I'm a freak

But thanks for lovin' me 'cause you're doing it perfectly

From fear to small wins

I over think every word. Every move. Every joke. Every emotion. Late at night it's all I can do.

I fear that I will fail you. That I'll make you mad. That I'll make you uncomfortable and you just want to leave. That I'll bored you to dead. That you will break up with me. 

Maybe you feel the same. Maybe you don't. Maybe you just control it better than I do. 

So I stress and make a mess out of myself. You keep it under control and stay with your friends instead of talking to me.That just shows what a better person you are. More confident. Less self-conscious. 

Maybe with time I will get there. I want to be good. For you. For me. Just like you want to quit smoking for me and for you. 

It took me very piece of control not to cry the other day. You probably notice. You probably didn't. But I didn't cry. Not at the time. Not when I got home. Not late at night. I hold myself up. I told myself I could fix it without freaking out. I felt the fear and I didn't went down with it. That's a win. A small one because I still felt like complete shit for a long time.  

I realised that I could do it even when fear is winning. I realised it can be a tie between me and fear. I can feel scared out of my mind and still accomplish small wins

I thought I was gonna be happy this summer. Apparently not.  

Dealing with insecurity

Never realised how fragile I was until now.

Well I kind of did. But now I have to deal with it.

'Cause you deserve someone who believes in herself. 

That's not me.

Not now anyway.

And not even telling you all my stories will make you understand.

I don't like complaining when you do something I don't like because what if that is the thing that drives you away? 

I don't like telling you when I'm sad because I don't want to keep bother you with... well.. me. 

I don't like sharing some stuff because it's one more piece you get of me. 

I don't like telling you I feel self-conscious because what if you think... better... what if you realise I go nuts for almost nothing and that I'm just a basket case you don't want to deal with?

I can't tell how oven I think you don't care about me. How oven I think I'm more committed than you and that you are getting tired of it.. of me.  

But I'm trying. I really am. Sharing little pieces of writing that I did (crying) at 3 am is such a big step! You're not the first that I wrote to or about. You're not the first I told about those kind of letters. But none of them got a chance to read it. And they asked. The same amount (if not more) of begging that you did. 

I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry if I ask for to much attention. It gets to my nerves too. 

I'm sorry if sometimes it seems like I don't believe in you or us or whatever. It's just me I don't believe. 

I'll keep trying. 

Trying to think positive.

Trying to believe in myself. 

Trying to not over think every single thing.

Pass it On

Things I wish I could say

I have to tell you I can't breathe when you near.

I can't talk like a normal person.

I get so jealous with no reason at all.

You drive me crazy.

And I was sure I was over "he just has a nice booty. That's all"

What a big lie.

You're everything.

You mean so much.

You are the one who got away.