True or lie

I went from over-sad to kind of mad.

Take full responsibility for my actions. 

But I'm not the only one who act like a little bitch in front of the parents. 

Worst, I'm on medication (And on my period I may add) while he was just being.. well him. I spent so many days hearing my mom ask "what was wrong with him at the beach?" Did I react badly? No. I only told him that my mother had ask and that it made me uncomfortable. 

His parents got mad? Pretty mad? What? Excuse me! Not your daughter, you can get upset but easily ask me. 

But again I'm the little bitch and that side is perfect (yeah because my parents are jerks but his are just perfect.. but that's another problem than I don't even want to get in at this point or ever I think) 

Forget the kind mad I'm angry.

I don't know if he is being honest when he says he loves me. 

He didn't asked what happen with me to react like that, didn't talk to me all night (even before the whole scene) and all morning. And got upset when I took off my ring? Was ready to break it off without even talking to me? Without giving me a chance to explain and say I'm sorry? 

More than a year and that's all I get? I have to break down crying like crazy just to make him look at me? 

Now he keeps saying that he loves me but can I trust it? 

I always give him a chance, I always listen to what he had to say and all I was getting was "is it over then? yes" really? Thanks a lot dude. 

I keep sending freaky long texts and he doesn't have a thing to say? Just wow

I'm not sure if I feel comfortable in this relationship. I barely believe when he says "I love you". How did he went from barely looking at me and saying that it was over to back to loving me? 

The end (almost)

I feel like shit again and is totally my fault. I was so fcking childish without realising... 

 Was bad enough to hear him say "yes" when I asked if this was it. If you ripped my heart open would have hurt less. I got mad a lot, wish to be back home (we're on vacations) but never ever I imagined not being with him. I cried so much. I couldn't move, god knows how hard it was to move and leave the airport. 

We're still together but I feel so awkward. I never felt like this with him. 

I don't know if I'm saying the wrong thing or nor, if it is okay to make questions and keep the conversation going or just be quiet and wait for him...

 I feel so lost and lonely. I keep crying and the only person I want to talk about this is him.. He is my best friend. I don't want to lost my best friend and love of my life. 

I don't know what can I do... 

I'm so clueless!

 Please help me :(

NEWS!

Hey y'all!
long time no see! It has been a while since I last wrote here! So busy with university and life
Let's get down to business.

Depression got worst. Taking more medication now. Went to a serious break-down (still going actually)
Tried to break up with my boyfriend (again). Pretty serious this time. I was ready to give up. Didn't care at all. I was just tired and upset, I just wanted to be over and have some peace and quiet time alone. Still not sure I should keep things up. I love him, really do. But at the same time I'm just gonna hurt him and myself. Is it worthy? The effort? The pain? All the sadness I carry with me? Maybe. Probably don't. He doesn't see it like that. Which is good I guess. Until he finally sees it and I'll end up feeling like shit (even more) because I drove him into madness(if this makes sense)

Things at home are bittersweet. Like my parents are trying to fix every things but it's taking a while. Waiting is driving everyone crazy.

"School" is okay. Just okay. Still hate that shit with passion. Don't know what to do next year. Wish I could take the year of and just travel.

That's it guys!
'Till next time! \o/

Yey update!

Wow... Has been a while! 

This past few months have been kinda wild! 

A few more fight.... I caught myself thinking that maybe it woulf be better just calling off and break up. More time that it's healthy...  I just.. Don't know. I enter a hole where I can't see past being a shit and that I'm ruining him, myself... This a dark place where I can only see the bad things. Why keep fighting when I keep having impulsive behaviours and going nuts over nothing? Why you he stay in a relationship with a basket case? It's not fair... I can't control myself... I just... Don't know. 

I started smoking 3 weeks ago. It's not healthy (surprise, surprise) but the little dizziness feel kinda nice. Wish I could keep smoking but people (aka boyfriend and parents) would kill me so...yeah..

Same old fight

So I been talking to this guy... Old friend, no biggie.. unless you're my boyfriend. 

And don't get me wrong, I totally understand him specially cuz he has freaking hot girl friend who he could easy start talking to. 

It's just annoying because I have known the guy for a few years now and for the first time we're both in good places which makes it easier to talk. 

I'm sure that if I wasn't in a happy relationships this all talk with the other guy would be long over simply because we would grow tired of each other. 

With that being said I have never been this happier with anyone than I'm with my boyfriend. 

Wish he would just fucking realized that and see that I'm not about ti cheat or dump him for some stupid guy that ok I liked him but never love. I've never love someone like I love my idiotic boyfriend 

Good news is the whole fight about the other guy made him realized he really needed to change some things (like those from last post) and he has been doing an effort so yey! 

Overall it has been a good week

Fingers cross it stays that way...

(probably won't.. probably my fault) 

Pills, scares and effort

Not much has change since last time. I'm still tired.
Still feeling all over the place about everything.
My doctor told me to take some pills at night to "calm me down" but so far nothing...

Also me and the boyfriend got proper scared last week during sex.. well after.. but yeah. I'm still scared. Special 'cause I can tell that my body hasn't recovered from it... Like from my boobs (that are bigger and over sensitive!) to my period (my flow is just too low) Plus I'm now on the pill
And maybe my fatigue is about this ( ahah I wish)

The problem is still the same. It's like all I said means nothing! Always asking what's wrong, always answering I don't like to feel ignored, always get ignored anyway.
I didn't try to keep the conversation going yesterday and you know what happen? We barely talked! And then he asked why... WHY?! REALLY?! YOU DIDN'T NOTICE YOU STOPPED REPLYING?! For course not.. I'm not one of his friends and I'm not the damn game, why rush and try to reply as soon as possible? It's just your girlfriend why would you make an effort?
And today was more of the same... Only this time he is actually with his friends so he's all happy not even thinking about me.. "fck her.. I'm with the boys now" because is really hard to text you know?! It makes you miss like 1 minute of the conversation.. like wow!
Always feeling like number 2

And I have barely slept this last few night.. Waiting for him to go to bed and always getting up so fcking early... Can't pass the "meh I'm shit" mood all day and night.

" I hate when after a long period of a progression, one night everything just kinda crumbles in you a little bit with the thought of something that meant a lot and still does and you feel really vulnerable again "